This definition can be easily adapted for the American Church and would go something like this, “The American Church who have experienced emotional trauma, such as betrayal, abandonment, or rejection, may develop dismissive behavior as a way to distance themselves from others to protect themselves from further emotional pain.”
When speaking in terms of the church I define the church as a community of believers with the same objective, living to glorify Christ in all things, together. This could be a Sunday Morning Service, a college, an outreach organization in the community, an American Heritage Girls organization, or a Homeschool CO-OP. All of which come together for the ultimate purpose of glorifying Christ and to do His will.
It is no secret that the church has been under fire in recent media, mostly for the dismissive avoidance and lack of accountability in scandals. A hot topic right now is the scandal at IHOP. With a lack of transparency, prior cover-ups, and loss of trust, many of us are numb to the same ole story and can predict the outcome.
Emotional traumatization is plaguing the church.
Yet, we wonder why patterns continue and people leave.
Ministers, elders, or whoever are the main decision-makers in your organization, denomination, or non-denomination are doing whatever they can to protect harm from being done (even if in the long run it actually produces more harm). Those in leadership have experienced the emotional pain of betrayal when a family in the church that they dearly love turns on them. They experience abandonment when wrongfully terminated or a family leaves the church over a misunderstanding. They experience rejection almost daily, “Did you hear what the pastor said during that sermon on Sunday? The audacity!”
When conflict arises in the church, (organizations bearing the name, mission, and burden of Christ) many times the conflict is met with dismissiveness, avoidance, or both.
Why?
The leaders have experienced so much emotional pain they do not have the capacity or possibly the emotional maturity to handle the conflict. Therefore, in response to the emotional trauma they naturally (and probably unconsciously) react in dismissive or avaoidant ways, or both.
In dismissing, avoiding, or both dismissively avoiding conflict the leaders inflict emotional trauma on the congregation (or members of the organization). Those members then lose trust, confidence, and sometimes their faith altogether depending on how many times a member has been exposed to the emotional trauma across different systems.
If a member has seen the same pattern of dismissive, avoidant, or dismissively avoidant behavior across multiple different systems, cultures, or organizations that all bear the same mind and mission, who is to blame them from walking away?
We would never (hopefully) encourage a women (the bride of Christ) to stay married to a man (Christ) who is emotionally abusive, dismissive, and avoids conflict (sin) in the name of protecting the whole system (think kids) from emotional pain.
It's nearly absurd writing that statement! Christ would never be dismissive, he is never avoidant, and he is not emotionally abusive nor would he be concerned for protecting us from emotions that we need to face in order to become more like Him.
When the leaders of the church (organizations) avoid conflict, are dismissive, and refuse to take accountability, or hold others accountable the system will break down.
Leaders, elders, pastors, or boards must be willing to accept accountability and to be held accountable by the members.
Even if it hurts them or others.
Leaders must be willing to be flexible, fluid in thought, and not rigid. They must be willing to take inventory of the system, recognize unhealthy patterns, and loopholes, and be humble enough to admit fault.
When leaders default to trauma responses such as avoidant or dismissive behaviors to “protect” further harm, they are ultimately continuing unhealthy patterns that are hurting the members.
Self-awareness is a must in leadership when you are responsible for the oversight of the members.
Dismissing conflict will lead to more conflict. It is the snowball effect. You may see immediate results at first. However, ten years later when the church (organization) is in a dumpster fire and everyone is looking around wondering what happened, some of us could track the behavioral patterns that started the spark.
Dismissing conflict or avoiding conflict will only continue to push people away in droves. Because while we are reacting in these unhealthy ways to “protect” the church (organization) the members see, feel, and experience the pain. The members are either directly impacted or indirectly impacted because someone they love was mishandled by an organization that bears the name of Christ.
Church, we must do better.
Running away, hiding, covering up, dismissing, or avoiding conflict in an attempt to protect the majority does not work. It only exacerbates the conflict. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but those behavioral patterns will continue as we continue to abuse the bride and then point our finger in blame for her leaving it altogether.
Lean in to discomfort, face the conflict with fairness, in all grace, while remembering mercy.
In all thing ask, “Does this decision or behavior glorify God?”
It's time to heal.